We carry on with our master class on writing badly, which commenced not too long ago and has intermittently continued since then.
As a bad writer, you may find yourself in a bit of a quandary when you have to quote people. You’re supposed to include the voice of the customer in marketing case studies and press releases. You might need to quote the CEO or other executives and won’t get a chance to talk to them. In the company blog, you have to quote business partners that comment on your products and services. If it’s news you need to perpetrate, readers will expect that you give them an impression of what victims, bystanders, offenders, fans, crooks, and thought leaders are saying. The problem is that people usually don’t speak nearly as horribly as you write. They can be lively and interesting, whereas your inclination is toward the bland and predictable. That means you have to make up properly bad quotes, or you will have to explain the odd quality gap between quotes and other copy. I understand this is work and therefore unwelcome. To make your life a little easier, here are a few standard quotes you can use with minimal adjustments.
People talk. For you as a bad writer, this presents so many opportunities to ascribe lame, warmed-over quotes to them.
When you use these quotes, be careful not to insert too many specific references. Their charm largely depends on vagueness and intimation. Busy readers will appreciate that they can scan over a couple of lines without missing anything. You save time that way, too. But you still need to apply your restrained, unmistakable touch. Have you heard that silly story about the joke club, where people have simplified joke telling by calling out the numbers of known jokes instead? A visitor wonders why anybody still laughs if the jokes are so familiar. “It’s in the way it’s told,” somebody explains. It’s like that with these quotes. With practice, you will be able to slip them into your copy as if they came naturally.
About a technical product or service
- “[product or service name] is an end-to-end solution for the issues we were facing. I would recommend this to anyone.”
- “[product or service name] stands out because of the innovation incorporated in it. Its rich feature set makes it extremely valuable.”
- “I don’t know what I would do without [product or service name].”
- “[product or service name] is a best-in-class offering that will add value for years to come.”
About a company
- “[company name] demonstrates true leadership by innovating in its industry.”
- “[company name] leads the pack of comparable vendors because of its track record.”
- “We are proud to partner with [company name] in advancing innovation in our industry.”
- “Risk-taking innovation and thought leadership are in [company name]’s DNA.”
- “[company name] has practically re-invented [category].”
About a person in a new role
- “[name] expects to hit the ground running and deliver results rapidly.”
- “Her leadership experience makes [name] a great fit for this challenging role.”
- “As a natural communicator, [name] will not have any problems in meeting the expectations of [people in whatever roles].”
- “Numbers don’t lie. [name] has delivered strong results in her last position and we expect her to do so again.”
About a problem
- “We welcome the opportunity to address this challenge with confidence.”
- “Circumstances are never quite fair. But we will address the concerns promptly and get to a satisfactory resolution.”
- “[problem] has been blown out of proportion. While we don’t expect that [problem] will cause any issues for our customers, we are closely monitoring the situation.”
- “[problem] came at us out of the blue, but we’re ready to take action. We will face this issue with resolve and resourcefulness.”
About something horrible somebody did or said
- “A diligent review of all the facts will present a very different course of events. In the meantime, I should refrain from commenting further.”
- “I always strive to maintain the highest standards of integrity. I apologize if some people have the impression that I may have fallen short in this situation.”
- “I regret if I offended anybody. That was certainly not what I intended.”
- “I’m reviewing the situation and will have more detailed comments presently.”
About a murderer
- “He usually kept to himself, but seemed like a nice guy. We didn’t know him well.”
- “He seemed like an angry guy and always had arguments with people. We didn’t know him well.”
- “This clearly shows the need for strengthening gun control.”
- “This clearly shows the need for empowering more law-abiding citizens to carry guns.”
- “He gave my wife a strange look the other day.”
About a weather-related or natural-disaster situation
- “I knew we were in for something terrible.”
- “This is really too bad. We all feel the same way.”
- “When we were young, we never had events like this happen.”
- “We will pull together and get through this just like we did through other situations like it.”
- “We are getting desperate and very concerned this might get worse. We’ve never seen anything like this.”
You’re welcome! More soon.
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